12.30 p.m.
(To cheers from the Government benches of Meerkats brandishing whitepapers Chancellor of Exchequor Aleksandr Orlov stands on hind legs to address the Common House of meerkats in Westmeerster, Meerkovo)
Fellow Meerkats This my eighth Budget amid strengthening economic recovery, with
inflation falling and growth this year projected to be among the strongest of
any Western economy.
The latest Meerkat official figures show
unemployment fell to 1.6 milllion this January
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| Chancellor Aleksandr outside No 11 door in Downings Prospekt |
To support resilient economy
we focusing on boosting economic securities and meerkat aspirations.
We supporting those subjected to floods in North West Meercova District of Lakes with extra financial helpings.
12.45 pm.
Business groups like CMI ( Confederation of Meerkovan Industry) have forecast that Meerkova’s total economic output will exceed its pre-recession peakings second
quarter of 2014, economy growing continuously.
(Much Opposition Mongoose hecklings - ‘ what about meerkat maisonette budgets being squeezed as prices continue
to rise faster than meerkat wages.?? Further attacks of Public sectorings etc.)
"Orderings! Orderings !" shouts Speaker Berkova.
Chancellor Orlov continues "Some meerkat ministers
have expressed me concerns that recovery
being driven by debt-fuelled consumption and boom in meerkat maisonette prices in the capital and the south of Meerkova. ( let alone arguments for Remains and Brexits)
I increasing stamping duty on firms who bought up empty properties.
1 pm .
To
them I saying “ You Fellow meerkatsHS2 if you want
to, but this meerkat not for turning” as Maggie Meerkat might have said. ( Much
paper waving and Meerkat mirthings) Your meerkat mansions will be cheaper on rail line.
We will be helping industry with fuel bills so long as Vladimir EEDYev does not switching off supply.
We will be helping industry with fuel bills so long as Vladimir EEDYev does not switching off supply.
In additionings we will provide childcare subsidy for all hardworking families
with little Olegs to raise,
Additional fundings to Schoolings for Teacher Maiya and for the future of
Merkova,- our precious Ivanovskia, Petrov, Oleg, Stolpocha, Alena and Pete. From now on to be called Acadimis.
The amount of income for hardworking meerkatfamily will receive tax-free is raised above £10,000.
Our country is going to earn its way in world.
There no other roads to recovery.
1.15 pm.
It unashamedly back SME meerkating businesses like Uncle Yakov the Toymaker.
And it is on side of aspirations: those meerkats who want to do better for themselves and their little meerkats in families with their cutie Bodgans and Peters.
This Budget reaffirms our unwavering commitment to deal with our country’s record debts inherited from the Mongooses opposite. ( Much screeching and hissing from Mongooses)
But because Sergei and I have already taken difficult decisions, this can also be reforming Budget that seeks to repair disastrous model of economic growth that created those debts from Mongooses party opposite.
( Further Booing and screeching from opposition benches)
1.25 pm.
A model that saw manufacturing almost halve as share of our national economy, while the national debts doubled.
( Supportive 'hear ! hearings! from coalition benches with much noddings)
Mr Speaker, this is how Merkova will earn its way in the world: with far reachings tax reform.
With simples tax system, where ordinary taxpayers understand what they are being asked to pay.
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| Chancellor Aleksandr outside No 11 door in Downings Prospekt |
A tax system where millions of lowest paid meerkats are lifted out of tax altogether, while the tax revenues we get from wealthiest increase.
( Cheers all around the house apart from Meerkat oligarchs who are noticeably silent)
But reforming tax is only part of story.
We will earn our way in world by saying to all businesses – large and small: We will provide you with modern infrastructure; new growth-friendly planning rules and employment laws; the kinds of schools and universities and colleges our future meerkat workforce needs.
And in return, you, Meerkova businesses, have self-confidence to: invest, expand, hire, innovate and be best meerkats.
We earn our way in the world if we stop being afraid to identify Meerkova's strengths and reinforce them, backing industries, like aerospacey, energies and undersea engineering, creative media like my compare the meerkat commercials and Sergei's science Tricep2.
A deliberate strategy to create more balanced national economy, where financial services are strong, but they are not only string to bows
1.27 pm
Our Government is missing target by the end of this parliament on two measures so I moving goalposts.
( Much meerkat head noddings)
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| Chancellor Aleksandr outside No 11 door in Downings Prospekt |
And country where its meerkats know tax they are paying – and what they are paying it for.
Sergei and I have achieved all this – and kept to our deficit plan - more or lessings.
Let us be resolved.
No meerkats will strive as Meerkova will strive.
No country will adapt as Meerkovans will adapt.
No country will value those who work as we will value them.
Together, Meerkovan’s will share in the effort and share rewards.
Meerkova borrowed its way into trouble.
Now we going to earn our ways out with our new twelve sided thr'penny bitcoins
The message from this Budgeting is Meerkats have earned it; Meerkats have saved it. I am stealthy and you are healthy"
I commend this Budgeting to House"
1.30 Chancellor Orlovs sits down
(Rapturous applaudings and cheerings. Chancellor Orlov is patted on shoulder by Sergei)
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