Chancellor Alekandr Orlov's Budget Speech 2013 Exclusive

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2013 speech

(To cheers from the coalition benches of Meerkats brandishing whitepapers Chancellor of Exchequor Aleksandr Orlov stands on hind legs to address the Common House of meerkats in Westmeerster, Meerkova)


"Mr Speaker, this Budgeting rewards hard working meerkat families.

Our country is going to earn its way in  world.

There no other roads to recovery.


It unashamedly back SME meerkating businesses like Uncle Yakov  the Toymaker.

And it is on  side of aspirations: those  meerkats who want to do better for themselves and for their little meerkats in families with their cutie Bodgans and Peters.


This Budget reaffirms our unwavering commitment to deal with our country’s record debts.

But because Sergei and I have already taken difficult decisions, this can also be reforming Budget that seeks to repair  disastrous model of economic growth that created those debts from  Mongooses party opposite.

( Booing and shouting from opposition benches)

A model that saw manufacturing almost halve as share of our national economy, while the national debts doubled.

( Supportive 'hear ! hearings! from coalition benches with much noddings)

Mr Deputy Speaker, this is how Merkova will earn its way in the world: with far reachings tax reform.

With simples tax system, where ordinary taxpayers understand what they are being asked to pay.

Chancellor Aleksandr outside No 11 door
 in Downings  Prospekt

With  tax system that is more competitive for meerkating businesses than any other major economy in  world.

A tax system where millions of  lowest paid meerkats are lifted out of tax altogether, while the tax revenues we get from  wealthiest increase.


( Cheers all  around the house apart from Meerkat oligarchs who are noticeably silent)

But reforming tax is only part of  story.

We will earn our way in  world by saying to all businesses – large and small: We will provide you with  modern infrastructure; new growth-friendly planning rules and employment laws; the kinds of schools and universities and colleges our future meerkat workforce needs.

And in return, you, Meerkova businesses, have  self-confidence to: invest, expand, hire, innovate and be best meerkats.

We earn our way in the world if we stop being afraid to identify Meerkova's strengths and reinforce them, backing industries, like aerospacey, energies and pharmaceuticals, creative media like my compare the meerkat commercials and  Sergei's science.

A deliberate strategy to create  more balanced national economy, where financial services are strong, but they are not only string to bows

Our Government is missing target by the end of this parliament so I moving goalposts.

To fund this, we increase NI increase for the self-employed meerkats, who currently pay less than  employed, as we introduce  flat rate state pension. NI  will ‘alignment’ ahead of original target 2017 .

Here I  celebrating  St Patrick's Day Lunch
 with special Liffy water beer

We  taxing  wealthy meerkats and those hot beetle juice shops, search enginings provider and long tail distribution houses like Amazonians who pay little or no corporations tax  and especially capping excessive bankings bonus.

( Much meerkat head noddings)


A simpler tax code.

And country where its meerkats know  tax they are paying – and what they are paying it for.

Sergei and I have achieved all this – and kept to our deficit plan - more or lessings.

Every year the tax on Meerkat beer escalates 2% above  rate of inflation

( Boo hissing and much noising.  Cries of "Order ! Order!" from Speaker Stevanov Berkova)

I have listened to pleadings from  CAMRA , Mr Wetherspoonings, cousinVasilly who is regular at  Queasy Mongoose pub and also taken  note of His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales who say " The is pub is the hub" therefore I am discontinuing terrible beer escalator levy set by  Mongoose party opposite.

( Much paw pointings and banterings from Government benches)

30 years ago 90%  beer sales were through pubs now only 50% of beer is consumed in  pub. Pub beer sales have dropped 30% in the last 10 years

Let us be resolved.

No meerkats will strive as Meerkova will strive.

No country will adapt as Meerkovans will adapt.

No country will value those who work as we will value them.

Together, Meerkovan’s will share in the effort and share  rewards.

Meerkova borrowed its way into trouble.

Now we going to earn our ways out.

I commend this Budgeting to House"

(Rapturous applaudings  and cheerings. Chancellor Orlov sits down and is patted on shoulder by Sergei)